One year ago..

It was March 16, 2011, a very early morning with 2 exhausted parents. I am full of worry and guilt, wondering if I had made the right decision putting Ty through this MRI as I watch them put needles in him and hook him up to monitors. I wonder, is this all to make me stop worrying? The MRI machine was loud and we were told it would take about a half hour. About an hour went by and Ty still was not out. I was a little nervous, but Casey assured me not to worry, although I think he knew that it had taken longer than normal. We finally get to see my baby boy, who is crying out of confusion. We bring him back to recovery and I am handed a sticky note with Dr. Henderson's phone number to call him. This was strange to me, as I knew that Dr. Henderson was on vacation. Why was he calling me? Was it to clear my nerves so I wouldn't have to wait? or was it worse??

I hear the words as I am shaking.. yes, there is something there, in the back of his brain on his cerebellum. I believe I almost fell to the floor but caught myself. Casey is staring at me with pain in his eyes trying to figure out what is going on. Dr. Henderson says, "The radiologist feels that this is a Pylocytic Astercytoma, which is a slow growing benign tumor" This is the kind of tumor you would want if you are going to have one, usually once it is removed, you are cured. Want a tumor?? I don't think that will ever be something I want or want anyone to have, but I understand what he meant. From this point on, we had doctors checking him out to see if he was able to ride with us to Houston or by ambulance. He rode with us. I cried the whole way, I believe. I know you are suppose to be strong as a parent, but I didn't feel strong. I felt weak, very weak. I felt scared. No matter what kind of tumor this was or wasn't, he was going to have surgery on his brain, my two and a half year old.  We made our way to Texas Children's and after what felt like forever, we finally were on our way to a future.

Here we are, a year later. I still sometimes feel broken and like I still need to be put back together. I say I won't worry, but I do, every day. He says something hurts and I freak out, I assume worse case. I know I can't live life like that every day, but I think that will take time.We are so very blessed and I look at him every day and know how blessed we are. God has given us a wonderful gift and I don't want to spend the days worrying about him and fearful, I want to spend the days thanking him.  This was by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through and Casey. The pain of watching your child have pain and not being able to fix it. I can tell Ty worries now. I don't know if that is me or him, but I can tell he does. Whenever something is wrong, he runs to me. If I can do one thing, it is not turn him into a worrier like me, so I really need to stop and think about those things every time I take his temperature for no reason or when he has some kind of pain and then I ask him 100 times if it is gone. We are celebrating this anniversary today with an Aggie Baseball game and a movie tomorrow, as I plan to celebrate it every year. What an anniverary to have!