Time

I haven't blogged in a while, although I probably should have. Things have been very busy lately and I would say very stressful. I think the anniversary of Ty's tumor hit me really hard. It brought back lots of memories and made me very anxious, I hate to say it. Casey has opened his new business which has added another stress, but now that it is open and he is back to a little more normal schedule I think it will get better. I have been having alot of conversations with God, so I know he is on my side and I know eventually I won't dwell on Ty's tumor as much. I actually was reading the blog from the hospital today and sometimes it is kind of nice reading it. It reminds me of what could have been and what is now... I saw a picture of him in occupational therapy with him kicking a soccer ball and well, as irony would have it, here is a picture of him today kicking a soccer ball. God is good!! He can do anything if you just ask him :-)

Overcoming worry

Well, I have had some things on my mind lately and by things I mean Ty's health and memories.. I don't know if it is the season (allergies, sinus) or the time of year (a year from when Ty's got sick), but I have been thinking more and more about Ty's tumor. About a month ago, he got sick and said his head hurt.. he ended up having a fever and an ear infection, cold.. etc. That day was too close for comfort and unfortunately I have worried every since. Every time that little guy grabs his head I flip out.. he was eating a popsicle and had brain freeze, I freaked.. he threw a fit yesterday and said that his eye hurt.. I think in a way, he now understands that his health can play a role in getting what he wants and maybe exaggerates just a little.. When I say complaints of head hurting, I mean 3 separate instances in 1 month, not every day, 2 times a day. He had an MRI a month ago, so this should give me comfort right??I guess I am just being haunted by memories right now. All too familiar days of head grabbing and screaming.  I feel like I should be over it, but I definitely am not. I know it is going to take time, I don't know how much time, but definitely not yet. My sister gave me some scriptures to pray when I start to worry, so I am doing this. A dear friend told me that maybe God gave us children that have illnesses to draw us closer to him. I do believe this and have always felt this. I know he knows I can handle it and I know he knows just how I will handle it, but I just haven't figured it out yet. I do feel like it is within reach though, so that is progress!!

One year ago..

It was March 16, 2011, a very early morning with 2 exhausted parents. I am full of worry and guilt, wondering if I had made the right decision putting Ty through this MRI as I watch them put needles in him and hook him up to monitors. I wonder, is this all to make me stop worrying? The MRI machine was loud and we were told it would take about a half hour. About an hour went by and Ty still was not out. I was a little nervous, but Casey assured me not to worry, although I think he knew that it had taken longer than normal. We finally get to see my baby boy, who is crying out of confusion. We bring him back to recovery and I am handed a sticky note with Dr. Henderson's phone number to call him. This was strange to me, as I knew that Dr. Henderson was on vacation. Why was he calling me? Was it to clear my nerves so I wouldn't have to wait? or was it worse??

I hear the words as I am shaking.. yes, there is something there, in the back of his brain on his cerebellum. I believe I almost fell to the floor but caught myself. Casey is staring at me with pain in his eyes trying to figure out what is going on. Dr. Henderson says, "The radiologist feels that this is a Pylocytic Astercytoma, which is a slow growing benign tumor" This is the kind of tumor you would want if you are going to have one, usually once it is removed, you are cured. Want a tumor?? I don't think that will ever be something I want or want anyone to have, but I understand what he meant. From this point on, we had doctors checking him out to see if he was able to ride with us to Houston or by ambulance. He rode with us. I cried the whole way, I believe. I know you are suppose to be strong as a parent, but I didn't feel strong. I felt weak, very weak. I felt scared. No matter what kind of tumor this was or wasn't, he was going to have surgery on his brain, my two and a half year old.  We made our way to Texas Children's and after what felt like forever, we finally were on our way to a future.

Here we are, a year later. I still sometimes feel broken and like I still need to be put back together. I say I won't worry, but I do, every day. He says something hurts and I freak out, I assume worse case. I know I can't live life like that every day, but I think that will take time.We are so very blessed and I look at him every day and know how blessed we are. God has given us a wonderful gift and I don't want to spend the days worrying about him and fearful, I want to spend the days thanking him.  This was by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through and Casey. The pain of watching your child have pain and not being able to fix it. I can tell Ty worries now. I don't know if that is me or him, but I can tell he does. Whenever something is wrong, he runs to me. If I can do one thing, it is not turn him into a worrier like me, so I really need to stop and think about those things every time I take his temperature for no reason or when he has some kind of pain and then I ask him 100 times if it is gone. We are celebrating this anniversary today with an Aggie Baseball game and a movie tomorrow, as I plan to celebrate it every year. What an anniverary to have!

Time Flies

This has been a week full of memories for me.. it has been a yr now on Friday. Today I stumbled across some emails from last year and this is what I found:

Okay….  Let see here…  the MRI will need to be done at St. Josephs because he will need sedation for that we won’t get to pick the day since they have to set it up with anesthesia…  I can request sooner than later!

Will see

-          Dr. Keith Paul for allergist – 979-776-0700

-          Dr. Easley – for GI – 512-628-1810 ( he comes here to the second floor but is out of Austin)

-          Austin Neurology – Specially for Children – 512-628-1850

I am working on the referrals!

This was an email between Ty's nurse/doctor and I exactly one year ago. My how time flies. I am thinking about it alot lately. Last week he was sick and developed a fever first and then grabbed his head and started crying! What?? Seriously what?? However, within a day, the coughing, congestion, nasal drippings and ear infection were sure to follow. I hate to say that I was glad to see that on my poor child, but I was. The worry consumed me again. The timing was just not right!! I am trying so hard to forget it, but for some reason that only mother's will understand, I cannot. I was still taking Ty's temperature yesterday just to make sure we are okay (yes I know, the word CRAZY does come to mind). I said, today is the last day Ty, I promise. He said later that night, "Mommy, sometimes you worry about me, but you don't have too" How precious is that? Although, I so desparately do not want my child to turn out a worrier like me!! Oh how exhausting it is to worry worry worry!! Although, I will say, that I do believe I am better and getting better every day. I am stronger than I was a year ago and I definitely have a faith that is stronger than ever. I can honestly say that we are better people because of what happened. I am no longer living life in fear. Case in point, my husband is about to open a business.. a year ago, fear of financial failure would have said, NO WAY!! But we decided that life is just way too short for us to live life like that. It is a conservative approach to starting a business that we are taking, but still a little nerve racking. However, I have faith that this adventure will be just as amazing as our last... I will blog again this week and will probably include a recap of this year.. It may take me a while to think this one through, so bear with me. Is it wrong that Casey and I want to have a celebration dinner on Saturday for the one year anniversary of Ty's health? Ty gets a movie that day and that night Casey and I get each other.. to me sounds like a perfect ending to a perfect day.

Life as we know it..

Well, it has been about a month since I blogged last, which is good because that means life has been good :-) We had our first real family vacation at the beginning of the month. We went to Disneyworld! What a fun time we had. It is amazing how he is turing in to such a little boy. He road every ride that his height would allow him too (which is not really that many, ha!). We weren't there long, which was probably okay for a 3 year old. There is lots to do and a 3 year old can only do so much. We got back in to town on Sunday and on Tuesday went back to Texas Children's for an MRI. We received an ALL CLEAR!! That is music to my ears every time I hear it. I don't know why fear overcomes me so much during these appointments. I have received the all clear previously, but I guess this year has just proved that life is short and you never know.. I never expected the news that we received a year ago, but we got it and here we are almost a year later better than ever. Ty has turned in to such a sweet little boy and so very smart. I am truly blessed. I was looking yesterday at a picture of him from Valentines last year and one of him this year.. WOW!! It truly brought tears to my eyes to see the difference.. there was pain and sickness in his eyes last year and this year happiness and life.. God is good! God is so very good!! People tell me every day that Ty has so much energy and how do I keep up with him?? I keep up with him with a smile!! A smile that could have been taken away in an instance but was not, thank God. I thank God for his energy and I thank God for every moment that I get to chase him around..

2012 Finally

Well, it's a new year and I know we have lots to look forward to this year, starting with Ty :-) He is doing great, turning more and more into a young boy every day. He spends his mornings sleeping in and gets up arguing about what he wants to wear and what he wants to eat. I am starting to believe that 3 years is when they start to think they don't need parents :-) I love his strongheaded"ness" , for lack of a better word. He spends his evenings riding his jeep (weather permitting) playing the WII and maybe playing with his nonelectronic toys, but that is a MAYBE!! He is so cute playing the WII. He does it all by himself and he cheers on the WII when he does something good and yells at it when he doesn't. He asks us to play, but he either trys to show us how and just takes it away from us or asks us to stop playing if we start beating him!! HA!  In February, we head to Florida with my in laws for a business / vacation trip. This will include 3 days at Disneyworld, so we are very very excited. We get back on a Sunday and on Tuesday go back for an MRI and his round of followup appts. Praying again for continued blessings.... Other than that, I am praying for normalcy this year.. vacation days, sick days, not running out of them ... I do have a heavy heart today though. While everything is going so wonderfully right now in out life, I do have some friends that our struggling, one with a pregnancy, one with a newborn born at 28 weeks, a dear friend desperately wanting a child and having difficulty and one that lost his 2 yr old. I just ask that you lift these people up in prayer and pray for comfort and peace to surround them each and every day.  Another thing that has been waying on my heart is the lingering subject of another child. While Casey and I are completely content with our decision to just have one, it does way heavy on my heart some days. I definitely didn't go through life thinking that I would only have one child, but noone can tell you how your life is going to end up. People ask me quite frequently when Casey and I will have that second bundle of joy and while they see so much positive, we see so many signs pointing in the direction we are in. I will be 35 tomorrow, and while I know that is not "Old", there are so many more risks when you have a child  at that age and when you have had recurrant miscarriages after miscarriage, you can't help but shake the thought that there was a reason..  With Ty's tumor happening very quickly after my miscarriages, we feel as if God was giving us a message that TY is a perfect miracle. We count our blessings every day and know that there are so many couples out there that either struggled with infertility and never had their "1" or worse, had a sick child and he was not healed like ours. I am very happy with our choice. I know one day, Ty will ask and I will tell him of our struggles. I never want him to think that we didn't want to give him a brother and sister, but want him to know that we stopped trying so we could devote the rest of our life to giving him a fabulous life. Having said this, I will end today.  Thanks for letting me shed my thoughts. I know I don't do it as much as I use to but it turns out that it is easier to blog when you have a heavy heart. It probably shouldn't be that way, but it is and I guess it is easier if you can write those thoughts down somewhere. Maybe someone will read my blog and benefit and if not, at least I feel better after I write them down.  Happy New Year to all of my friends and family and I hope that this year brings you much love and happiness.