One year ago..

It was March 16, 2011, a very early morning with 2 exhausted parents. I am full of worry and guilt, wondering if I had made the right decision putting Ty through this MRI as I watch them put needles in him and hook him up to monitors. I wonder, is this all to make me stop worrying? The MRI machine was loud and we were told it would take about a half hour. About an hour went by and Ty still was not out. I was a little nervous, but Casey assured me not to worry, although I think he knew that it had taken longer than normal. We finally get to see my baby boy, who is crying out of confusion. We bring him back to recovery and I am handed a sticky note with Dr. Henderson's phone number to call him. This was strange to me, as I knew that Dr. Henderson was on vacation. Why was he calling me? Was it to clear my nerves so I wouldn't have to wait? or was it worse??

I hear the words as I am shaking.. yes, there is something there, in the back of his brain on his cerebellum. I believe I almost fell to the floor but caught myself. Casey is staring at me with pain in his eyes trying to figure out what is going on. Dr. Henderson says, "The radiologist feels that this is a Pylocytic Astercytoma, which is a slow growing benign tumor" This is the kind of tumor you would want if you are going to have one, usually once it is removed, you are cured. Want a tumor?? I don't think that will ever be something I want or want anyone to have, but I understand what he meant. From this point on, we had doctors checking him out to see if he was able to ride with us to Houston or by ambulance. He rode with us. I cried the whole way, I believe. I know you are suppose to be strong as a parent, but I didn't feel strong. I felt weak, very weak. I felt scared. No matter what kind of tumor this was or wasn't, he was going to have surgery on his brain, my two and a half year old.  We made our way to Texas Children's and after what felt like forever, we finally were on our way to a future.

Here we are, a year later. I still sometimes feel broken and like I still need to be put back together. I say I won't worry, but I do, every day. He says something hurts and I freak out, I assume worse case. I know I can't live life like that every day, but I think that will take time.We are so very blessed and I look at him every day and know how blessed we are. God has given us a wonderful gift and I don't want to spend the days worrying about him and fearful, I want to spend the days thanking him.  This was by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through and Casey. The pain of watching your child have pain and not being able to fix it. I can tell Ty worries now. I don't know if that is me or him, but I can tell he does. Whenever something is wrong, he runs to me. If I can do one thing, it is not turn him into a worrier like me, so I really need to stop and think about those things every time I take his temperature for no reason or when he has some kind of pain and then I ask him 100 times if it is gone. We are celebrating this anniversary today with an Aggie Baseball game and a movie tomorrow, as I plan to celebrate it every year. What an anniverary to have!

Time Flies

This has been a week full of memories for me.. it has been a yr now on Friday. Today I stumbled across some emails from last year and this is what I found:

Okay….  Let see here…  the MRI will need to be done at St. Josephs because he will need sedation for that we won’t get to pick the day since they have to set it up with anesthesia…  I can request sooner than later!

Will see

-          Dr. Keith Paul for allergist – 979-776-0700

-          Dr. Easley – for GI – 512-628-1810 ( he comes here to the second floor but is out of Austin)

-          Austin Neurology – Specially for Children – 512-628-1850

I am working on the referrals!

This was an email between Ty's nurse/doctor and I exactly one year ago. My how time flies. I am thinking about it alot lately. Last week he was sick and developed a fever first and then grabbed his head and started crying! What?? Seriously what?? However, within a day, the coughing, congestion, nasal drippings and ear infection were sure to follow. I hate to say that I was glad to see that on my poor child, but I was. The worry consumed me again. The timing was just not right!! I am trying so hard to forget it, but for some reason that only mother's will understand, I cannot. I was still taking Ty's temperature yesterday just to make sure we are okay (yes I know, the word CRAZY does come to mind). I said, today is the last day Ty, I promise. He said later that night, "Mommy, sometimes you worry about me, but you don't have too" How precious is that? Although, I so desparately do not want my child to turn out a worrier like me!! Oh how exhausting it is to worry worry worry!! Although, I will say, that I do believe I am better and getting better every day. I am stronger than I was a year ago and I definitely have a faith that is stronger than ever. I can honestly say that we are better people because of what happened. I am no longer living life in fear. Case in point, my husband is about to open a business.. a year ago, fear of financial failure would have said, NO WAY!! But we decided that life is just way too short for us to live life like that. It is a conservative approach to starting a business that we are taking, but still a little nerve racking. However, I have faith that this adventure will be just as amazing as our last... I will blog again this week and will probably include a recap of this year.. It may take me a while to think this one through, so bear with me. Is it wrong that Casey and I want to have a celebration dinner on Saturday for the one year anniversary of Ty's health? Ty gets a movie that day and that night Casey and I get each other.. to me sounds like a perfect ending to a perfect day.