One year ago..

It was March 16, 2011, a very early morning with 2 exhausted parents. I am full of worry and guilt, wondering if I had made the right decision putting Ty through this MRI as I watch them put needles in him and hook him up to monitors. I wonder, is this all to make me stop worrying? The MRI machine was loud and we were told it would take about a half hour. About an hour went by and Ty still was not out. I was a little nervous, but Casey assured me not to worry, although I think he knew that it had taken longer than normal. We finally get to see my baby boy, who is crying out of confusion. We bring him back to recovery and I am handed a sticky note with Dr. Henderson's phone number to call him. This was strange to me, as I knew that Dr. Henderson was on vacation. Why was he calling me? Was it to clear my nerves so I wouldn't have to wait? or was it worse??

I hear the words as I am shaking.. yes, there is something there, in the back of his brain on his cerebellum. I believe I almost fell to the floor but caught myself. Casey is staring at me with pain in his eyes trying to figure out what is going on. Dr. Henderson says, "The radiologist feels that this is a Pylocytic Astercytoma, which is a slow growing benign tumor" This is the kind of tumor you would want if you are going to have one, usually once it is removed, you are cured. Want a tumor?? I don't think that will ever be something I want or want anyone to have, but I understand what he meant. From this point on, we had doctors checking him out to see if he was able to ride with us to Houston or by ambulance. He rode with us. I cried the whole way, I believe. I know you are suppose to be strong as a parent, but I didn't feel strong. I felt weak, very weak. I felt scared. No matter what kind of tumor this was or wasn't, he was going to have surgery on his brain, my two and a half year old.  We made our way to Texas Children's and after what felt like forever, we finally were on our way to a future.

Here we are, a year later. I still sometimes feel broken and like I still need to be put back together. I say I won't worry, but I do, every day. He says something hurts and I freak out, I assume worse case. I know I can't live life like that every day, but I think that will take time.We are so very blessed and I look at him every day and know how blessed we are. God has given us a wonderful gift and I don't want to spend the days worrying about him and fearful, I want to spend the days thanking him.  This was by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through and Casey. The pain of watching your child have pain and not being able to fix it. I can tell Ty worries now. I don't know if that is me or him, but I can tell he does. Whenever something is wrong, he runs to me. If I can do one thing, it is not turn him into a worrier like me, so I really need to stop and think about those things every time I take his temperature for no reason or when he has some kind of pain and then I ask him 100 times if it is gone. We are celebrating this anniversary today with an Aggie Baseball game and a movie tomorrow, as I plan to celebrate it every year. What an anniverary to have!

Time Flies

This has been a week full of memories for me.. it has been a yr now on Friday. Today I stumbled across some emails from last year and this is what I found:

Okay….  Let see here…  the MRI will need to be done at St. Josephs because he will need sedation for that we won’t get to pick the day since they have to set it up with anesthesia…  I can request sooner than later!

Will see

-          Dr. Keith Paul for allergist – 979-776-0700

-          Dr. Easley – for GI – 512-628-1810 ( he comes here to the second floor but is out of Austin)

-          Austin Neurology – Specially for Children – 512-628-1850

I am working on the referrals!

This was an email between Ty's nurse/doctor and I exactly one year ago. My how time flies. I am thinking about it alot lately. Last week he was sick and developed a fever first and then grabbed his head and started crying! What?? Seriously what?? However, within a day, the coughing, congestion, nasal drippings and ear infection were sure to follow. I hate to say that I was glad to see that on my poor child, but I was. The worry consumed me again. The timing was just not right!! I am trying so hard to forget it, but for some reason that only mother's will understand, I cannot. I was still taking Ty's temperature yesterday just to make sure we are okay (yes I know, the word CRAZY does come to mind). I said, today is the last day Ty, I promise. He said later that night, "Mommy, sometimes you worry about me, but you don't have too" How precious is that? Although, I so desparately do not want my child to turn out a worrier like me!! Oh how exhausting it is to worry worry worry!! Although, I will say, that I do believe I am better and getting better every day. I am stronger than I was a year ago and I definitely have a faith that is stronger than ever. I can honestly say that we are better people because of what happened. I am no longer living life in fear. Case in point, my husband is about to open a business.. a year ago, fear of financial failure would have said, NO WAY!! But we decided that life is just way too short for us to live life like that. It is a conservative approach to starting a business that we are taking, but still a little nerve racking. However, I have faith that this adventure will be just as amazing as our last... I will blog again this week and will probably include a recap of this year.. It may take me a while to think this one through, so bear with me. Is it wrong that Casey and I want to have a celebration dinner on Saturday for the one year anniversary of Ty's health? Ty gets a movie that day and that night Casey and I get each other.. to me sounds like a perfect ending to a perfect day.

Life as we know it..

Well, it has been about a month since I blogged last, which is good because that means life has been good :-) We had our first real family vacation at the beginning of the month. We went to Disneyworld! What a fun time we had. It is amazing how he is turing in to such a little boy. He road every ride that his height would allow him too (which is not really that many, ha!). We weren't there long, which was probably okay for a 3 year old. There is lots to do and a 3 year old can only do so much. We got back in to town on Sunday and on Tuesday went back to Texas Children's for an MRI. We received an ALL CLEAR!! That is music to my ears every time I hear it. I don't know why fear overcomes me so much during these appointments. I have received the all clear previously, but I guess this year has just proved that life is short and you never know.. I never expected the news that we received a year ago, but we got it and here we are almost a year later better than ever. Ty has turned in to such a sweet little boy and so very smart. I am truly blessed. I was looking yesterday at a picture of him from Valentines last year and one of him this year.. WOW!! It truly brought tears to my eyes to see the difference.. there was pain and sickness in his eyes last year and this year happiness and life.. God is good! God is so very good!! People tell me every day that Ty has so much energy and how do I keep up with him?? I keep up with him with a smile!! A smile that could have been taken away in an instance but was not, thank God. I thank God for his energy and I thank God for every moment that I get to chase him around..

2012 Finally

Well, it's a new year and I know we have lots to look forward to this year, starting with Ty :-) He is doing great, turning more and more into a young boy every day. He spends his mornings sleeping in and gets up arguing about what he wants to wear and what he wants to eat. I am starting to believe that 3 years is when they start to think they don't need parents :-) I love his strongheaded"ness" , for lack of a better word. He spends his evenings riding his jeep (weather permitting) playing the WII and maybe playing with his nonelectronic toys, but that is a MAYBE!! He is so cute playing the WII. He does it all by himself and he cheers on the WII when he does something good and yells at it when he doesn't. He asks us to play, but he either trys to show us how and just takes it away from us or asks us to stop playing if we start beating him!! HA!  In February, we head to Florida with my in laws for a business / vacation trip. This will include 3 days at Disneyworld, so we are very very excited. We get back on a Sunday and on Tuesday go back for an MRI and his round of followup appts. Praying again for continued blessings.... Other than that, I am praying for normalcy this year.. vacation days, sick days, not running out of them ... I do have a heavy heart today though. While everything is going so wonderfully right now in out life, I do have some friends that our struggling, one with a pregnancy, one with a newborn born at 28 weeks, a dear friend desperately wanting a child and having difficulty and one that lost his 2 yr old. I just ask that you lift these people up in prayer and pray for comfort and peace to surround them each and every day.  Another thing that has been waying on my heart is the lingering subject of another child. While Casey and I are completely content with our decision to just have one, it does way heavy on my heart some days. I definitely didn't go through life thinking that I would only have one child, but noone can tell you how your life is going to end up. People ask me quite frequently when Casey and I will have that second bundle of joy and while they see so much positive, we see so many signs pointing in the direction we are in. I will be 35 tomorrow, and while I know that is not "Old", there are so many more risks when you have a child  at that age and when you have had recurrant miscarriages after miscarriage, you can't help but shake the thought that there was a reason..  With Ty's tumor happening very quickly after my miscarriages, we feel as if God was giving us a message that TY is a perfect miracle. We count our blessings every day and know that there are so many couples out there that either struggled with infertility and never had their "1" or worse, had a sick child and he was not healed like ours. I am very happy with our choice. I know one day, Ty will ask and I will tell him of our struggles. I never want him to think that we didn't want to give him a brother and sister, but want him to know that we stopped trying so we could devote the rest of our life to giving him a fabulous life. Having said this, I will end today.  Thanks for letting me shed my thoughts. I know I don't do it as much as I use to but it turns out that it is easier to blog when you have a heavy heart. It probably shouldn't be that way, but it is and I guess it is easier if you can write those thoughts down somewhere. Maybe someone will read my blog and benefit and if not, at least I feel better after I write them down.  Happy New Year to all of my friends and family and I hope that this year brings you much love and happiness.

Celebrating Blessings

Well, Christmas is upon is and 2011 is nearly over. I am feeling extra blessed this time of year. We started this yr with headaches almost immediately in January and we are ending it headache free. I cannot believe it has been so long, but yet it doesn't feel that way. I sure have had my reminders lately. Casey and I went to Houston this weekend to have a little get away to celebrate his birthday. On our way there, we started talking about our first trip down to Texas Children's and how he was calm and he says I was literally shaking. Although, I don't remember that, I don't doubt it. It is funny how little things seem to remind me of his tumor. The other day I was planning my outfit for the next day and then thought of the last time I wore the outfit was to my grandmothers birthday party in January and I remember Ty complaining of a headache and screaming the whole way home from pain I am sure.  I don't doubt that I will have these memories for a very long time, but at least I can then think of him now and how well he is doing and has done and just how great God is. Unfortunately so many people don't celebrate Christmas for the right reasons, but this year, I am celebrating him more than ever before. I will never understand how people do not believe and I will never understand why people don't want to believe. There is no way we could have gotten through our tragedy without having faith in a higher power. We are so blessed to celebrate the birth of our Jesus Christ. He is the almighty and he is our healer. So to all of my friends and followers, I want to wish you the merriest Christmas of all.

Followup

Well, it's getting to be that time again. Check up's check up's check up's!! In fact, this is a busy week, so I have lots to blog about. First I will open with a prayer request. On Tuesday we go back for Ty's first MRI since his last surgery in August. In my heart I know everything will be fine, but I just need to hear the doctor say this so I can start to put this behind me, as I mentioned in my last blog. I am ready to move on and move forward, but I need to hear the words " he is healed" at least one more time, if not 10000 times. I just pray that this will be the case and that the entire tumor is completely gone, no remains...please God give us this reassurance. My little monkey told me this morning, after he was telling me he wanted to stay home, that his head hurt!! Oh please don't let him start using this as an out!! No more headaches. For the first time however, I truly believed this time was for attention. It was ironic however because of where my thoughts were last night. Casey teaches several outdoor classes and there are certain times of year that he takes trips on the weekends with his class, this weekend being one of them. As he was packing, I thought back to his last trip in late February. At that point, Ty was complaining of a headache every day, however, with no other signs recognizable to anyone other than me, everone believed he was "faking".  I dreaded Casey leaving. Me being with him the entire weekend meant he was going to complain of a headache all weekend and I was going to be full of worry because that is what he did when he was with me. I went to College Station to be with my sister and the kids and on Friday night, my parents were out of town, so I decided to stay at their house and we decided to have a sleepover with the kids. Ty and Cole and I slept in mom and dad's bed. About 3 in the morning, Ty woke up screaming for his cousin Emma. I took him in the other room to settle him down and then he began grabbing his head repeatedly crying that his head was hurting. (Whether the screaming was making his head hurt or he was screaming because it hurt, I'll never know) I was crying out of frustration trying to get him to calm down, yet angry that he was not obeying me. After about 2 hours he finally went to sleep, but I remember being so frustrated. The next morning we woke up and Ty woke up in a good mood because we were all going to the park, however, that ended quickly though. Before we left, he was very tired and his head hurt again. By the time we got to the park, he perked up, but looking back, not himself.  Same song and dance the remaining weekend. Looking back on it, I have so much guilt that I didn't just take him right then and demand an MRI, but I told myself that I was wrong and everyone else was right. I cried last night for the first time in a long time thinking about it because it really was such a bad weekend and I still feel guilty, however, it wasn't long after that the tumor was discovered.  Sunday will be his 3rd birthday and I have never been more excited about anything in my life. We are so truly blessed to have him and even more blessed that we are able to celebrate his 3rd year of life. You never truly realize how precious life is until something like this hits you right in the face. Everything happens for a reason and God has such a perfect plan for our life and I am embracing life so much more now than ever before because it is just too short to live it in fear and worry. Thank you God for all of your many blessings and thank you for your mighty power.

October is around the corner

Well, I don't blog much anymore or at least I haven't in awhile. Ty is doing so wonderful and healthy, but that alone should be the reason I blog more frequently. He keeps me very busy. If I had a dime for every time someone passed us in public and said "wow you have a busy son" I would be rich... HEE HEE!!  His activity level is such a blessing though. It just proves what a true miracle he is. He turns 3 on the 9th and I just can't believe it. What a year we have had.. he definitely is the bravest 3 year old I know. 2 days after his birthday we head to Texas Children's for our first follow up MRI since brain surgery number 2. I am very anxious. Although I hate seeing him get sedated and hate that he has to be scared, I have complete faith that the doctors report will be positive and that I can start to slowly put this behind me. I want his 3rd year of life to be the best year ever. He deserves it so very much. People say he won't remember and I pray that he won't. I wish that I couldn't but then again what a blessing it is to experience one of God's miracles first hand. That's how I have to look at this now. We are studying Revelation right now in our Wednesday night bible study, and last week we spoke of letting go; letting go of that thing that has a hold of us. It truly touched my heart and I left that night deciding that I needed to move forward and begin to put this behind me. I realized that it keeps me from enjoying the true blessings in life because I spend every minute worrying about him when I should spend every minute rejoicing and thanking God that he healed my precious child.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength"
Phillippians 4:13